I just yelled at Mark, from Key Bank, on the phone.

Who the fuck yells at some customer service guy on the phone.

I obviously have issues.

Chicago driving really gets me round up.  People cut each other off as if everyone else is blind to their actions, when really, in reality, you are doing the same shit you did when you were in elementary school when you took cuts in the lunch line.  It's really the same thing and it blows my mind that people think that they are more of a priority then you.  Honestly, every day on the way to work at 6:30 in the morning I am fully awake once I get to work as I am still seriously blown away by these drivers.

So anyways, I've tried to be....lets say....a little more intentional with my driving.  It's not easy.  At all.

I've also realized as I've reflected on my year since graduation how bad the real world really is.  In all honesty I've been secluded in one intentionally...caring (Christian?)...environment or another for nearly my whole life but its when I graduated and got this job I realized how cruel people really are to each other.  Perhaps I'm a little bit more critical because I am watching these people make intentional internal decisions (pretty much behind a clients back) to really make decisions based on themselves- and that's it.  What will this do for me?  Not what will this do for the company (I know...I know) or what will this do for my coworkers who I sit next to for 8 hours a day, but what will this do for me and my numbers this month.  I've realized that until this year its been so easy to be nice to each other until now.  I've come to realize its not easy to be nice, in the short run, and its so sad that that is as far as we are looking.  No one is looking for the long run anymore.  It's just today.  It's just how much pride I can dig up now.  It's only my numbers this month.

However as much as this stuff blows my mind and is keeping me on my toes, what really gets me, what really causes me to want a change, is how people are changing as they are realizing how much freedom they really have.  Because really, we don't have to treat our clients right, we don't have to drive the speed limit and stay in our lane, we don't have to be okay with the only answer the customer service guy at key bank can get us.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't.  We are so lucky to have these choices we are given and we are all just blowing them up and exploiting them left and right.  Things have all of a sudden turned so much more childish then I would have ever imagined.  And it's because we have a choice, and its because everyone else is doing it.

As I said, I have issues.

So.  Anyways.  I've realized I had issues and that I need to start driving more nicely.  Driving nicely...isn't that such a weird concept?  And make phone calls.  After an hour after being off the phone with Mark I realized that the only thing acompIished on the fucking call was that I as a dick (pardon my french).  So I called up Key Bank again, made them find Mark, so I could apologize to him.  He seemed to appreciate it.  An hour later.  I think people appreciate it.

omg.

its 8:16 and i'm about to go to bed.  (?!)

who am i?  an old 70 y/o women who sits by the window and knows what all the crazy kids do in our neighborhood?  well i'm not going to lie, sitting by the window is one of my favorite pass times too.  and i may or may not think the kid across the way is cheating on his girlfriend.

but really.  i enjoy.  like.  REALLY enjoy a good nights sleep.  like it makes me more at ease then anything else.  i like being.  crawled up.  in my room.  with a window to the world, but being able to shut the blinds at any time.  and there is a wall that next to my bed that touches outside (does that make sense...you know rather then a wall that makes another wall for another room.  is there a term for that?) and when its hot in the morning i lay there with my feet against the wall because the wall is cold and i can be warm in my bed but not too warm and i'm really like, whoa, this can't get better.  i can touch the world all i want, from my bed, but when it gets cold.  and too much to handle.  i can just leave it be and know i can put a comfy blanket next to it and avoid it.

what i'm saying is i need a comfy blanket from my life.  just for a few days.  i think they call that a vacation.

broken gold.

Lately, with my new job, I have been become aware that I have a shoe problem.  I've realized that Converses aren't always the answer to my feet covering needs and that I need to grow up and get some nice, and against all my morals, leather, shoes.  So, as I was heading to J.Crew the other day. I walked through Nordstrom.  I immediately got sucked into the shoe department.  I picked up about 12 pairs of shoes, but as I was thinking on trying a pair of shoes I got out of my shoe zone, looked around, got stressed by all of the frantic shoppers around me, was reminded on what I should be doing, put down the shoe, and headed to the "mall entry."  I had to go pick up a belt that J.Crew forgot to put in my bag and then start my Christmas shopping.

As I stepped outside on this crisp night, I was suddenly hit with Old Orchard's Christmas Spirit.  Their faux small town street lights were wound in Christmas lights.  There were Christmas trees and blown up presents everywhere.  People were bustling around with Christmas cheer, and over head the night was complete with carols.  I kinda fall in love with this easily.  I love being able to have an excuse to be happy, to be cheerful, and to be one with society.  I loved walking along and seeing everyone in cheer.  I would almost go as far to say that this is as good as summer.  So as I walked, I watched, and listened.  But then I listened a little closer.  I heard, "Do you hear what I hear?"

"Oh, God," I thought.  And not in a thankful manner.

When I was in Israel this past fall, I saw some really amazing stuff.  I mean, obviously.  The land was beautiful.  The history was unbeatable.  I saw things I've heard about my whole life.  But near the end of the trip, when I was exhausted from traveling and site seeing day in and out, was when I became most amazed.

While in the country, we had an secular Israeli Jew as our tour guide.  It was amazing how much knowledge he had on his country and everything in it.  You asked him, he had the answer.  He would say everything was "quite nice".  However, on the afternoon when we were heading to Bethlehem, he didn't mention anything about it being nice.  I could almost say he was trying to talk it down.  All he told us was how he couldn't go in, that he had to sit outside and wait, but that they had some people on the other side who would show us around for awhile.  We had to go to a parking lot in between the two check points, get off our bus, and get directly onto another.  On the other was a Palestinian man who then took us through the checkpoint within The Wall.

While inside we were driving around, which also ended up following the path of The Wall, I felt a little bit guilty to just be barging through these peoples land.  It was so small, and here we were, barging in is if we were deserving of all of it.  I actually felt this way in many of the places I visited in Israel: ashamed, naive, and so American.  However, as we were driving I noticed Bethlehem to be a little different.

As soon as we set foot in the town, you could feel it was a small place.  As we drove around, we didn't see hundreds of people on the streets like before.  It wasn't bare though, just a little be more calm.  And the people who were there... they were genuinely happy to see you.  They wanted you to see their town.  And they were proud, despite everything they had to deal with.  This caused me to get a sense of peace.  Something that was really hard to find in that country.

Now, I've been to hundreds of churches, just on our trip alone, nonetheless throughout Europe over the years.  However, for the first time in my life, I was awe struck by The Church of Nativity, the church built right over the Holy Crypt where Christ was born.  It is the oldest existing Christian church in the world.  What made it so beautiful was that it seemed to be kept in its age so well as if I could smell life from two thousand years ago.  Everyone in the church was so laid back.  So patient.  So beautiful.  So peaceful.

While coming upon a culture that has so much beauty, passion, and love, during a time of such oppression, I was in complete awe.  There were those who had been there their whole life.  And by that I mean that I had never once left the town.  In their whole life.  They couldn't.  But you couldn't tell.  They acted so grateful for everything.

And to think, Jesus Christ was born here.  Here.  Here.  He is still here.  And I got that from my afternoon trip to Bethlehem.  Not to say he isn't anywhere else, because he is.  He is everywhere.  But here, in Bethlehem, I felt his peace.  His love.  I felt what he brought and there is nowhere else I could feel this so strong again.  And it all came so easily.  And just by treating each other so well.  They didn't have to give me one thing.  They were just giving me His love.  The only thing we are all looking for.  And I felt Him.

-----

People were snuggled up and walking quickly so excited for Christmas.  I looked around and saw bags upon bags stuffed with goodies.  Goodies like scarfs!  And toy trucks!  And diamonds!  And new winter jackets!  And chocolate!

But what is it for?  For my sister.  Who already has five diamonds.  For my dad...who has at least ten jackets.  Half the reason we do it is for obligation.  And because we know we are getting something in return.  I wonder if He is looking down and is proud of our gift "giving".

Leave a penny, take a penny.

Mount Vernon can suck the life out of me.  So many expectations.  I got barely any sleep.

EDIT:  This post was inspired by my motivational xanga writer, Christine Kanownik. 

And Andy Meyer, of course, as with everything else.

Every once in a while I like to do my pretend really optimistic post on xanga.  I like to write about the things that are going GREAT in my life and the things that i LOVEEEE!

So with that.  My list.

- Pumpkin Beer.  And Winter Ale from Blue Moon.  It's nice how breweries decide to get in the thanksgiving and christmas spirit with you to better accommodate nights so they aren't just any other night of drinking.

- No heat in the apartment!  I like involuntarily getting prepared to go outside to realize, "hey, this weather is nothing!  this could even possibly be warmer them my kitchen!"

- Coke.  a cola.  Its nice having an addiction.  It's something to look forward to every morning when you wake up, and I like that.

- My Phone.  When I was gone for those couple weeks, when everyone was talking about how they missed their little puppy, or their children, I said "I reallly really miss my phone."

- Flying.  I'm so looking forward to flying.  I love being this anonymous flyer who sits staring out the window and reading her bible (it's seriously the best time to do it, when else are you gonna sit down and read a chapter?  well for me anyways.)  And I love when you are forced to watch a movie that you really don't want to watch, but you know you should.  Just to keep up with our culture.  And people watching, I love people watching.

- Chipotle 1-3 times a week.

- Mini road trips.  As in 2 hours each way.  It's the best parts of the road trip: getting food at the gas station, listening to lots of random music on the iPod, and good talks.  None of the in between.  Which can also be great, but you can't just do that spontaneously.  Mini road trips you can.

-  Not knowing where I'm going to live in 3 weeks and we're I'm going to work.  It's like finals- you have no idea how you are going to do it, but you somehow are going to end up on the other side.

-  Cleaning and organizing to procrastinate the former favorite thing.  At least you got something done.

- Yellow.  Anything yellow.

....k, that was too much.  we'll have to wait another 6 months for one of those.